I suppose hopeless romantic is always the go-to phrase as to how I’d like to describe myself. There are so many more complexities than that, of course. It’s hard for me to accept at times that I’m the villain in some stories. I’ve always strived to be everyone’s friend. It’s only in recent years that I’ve come to realize how impossible that is, despite being told at so many stops along the way that it is indeed impossible.
There are some people who will just not like you, and that decision is entirely up to them. The only thing one can do is hope that they make an informed decision based on the evidence given to them. I always want it to be evident that I am a good person and I believe I am a good person, despite some of my actions causing pain. Sometimes that’s unavoidable causing pain but it doesn’t have to define me.
I call myself a hopeless romantic in that I have nothing but hope, it’s a little oxymoronic I suppose. I hold out hope in so many situations and kind of like the band playing the last songs on the Titanic, I try to provide a smile even as my ship sinks. I have learned now that I don’t have to keep playing if I have the ability to patch my own holes. The ship can be more important than the song.
I’m at a crossroads in my life, that’s mostly why I write this. So many chapters that I thought were forever stories are actually coming to an end. And new, terrifying, beautiful things are on my immediate horizon, and I am trying to somehow reconcile all of that.
I want to get my feelings out, holding them inside of me is what has killed a lot of beautiful things in my life and that’s not fair to myself or the ones that I love who are around me. So I’m grateful for the chance to express, and it’s not without some courage to do so.
But I know now that I have strength and courage to better myself. It never left me, I just had to be reminded. I know that self-care doesn’t mean selfish.
I know now that some pain is unavoidable, and that some stories will find you villainous while others find you a relatable foil.
I know now that lessons learned late are still good lessons. They just hurt a little more.
By NoBadVibes ©
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